Perspective of the Damned
by Lord Mendasuit
Summary: Naruto is doomed to repeat a cycle of stupidity and debauchery over and over again. He's not amused. This is part of the reason why most people think Naruto crossovers are doomed to be stillborn. What would the canon Naruto react like to the actions of those cheap copies?


**Perspective of the Damned  
**

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Summary: One has to wonder what Naruto is thinking when one reads all those crossovers. This is my specific reaction to the trend in Naruto/Negima crossovers, but I made it as generalistic as possible so that it could basically apply to just about any crossover. And, I'm not kidding, this is the formula 99% of the crossovers use.

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It's starting up again.

Each and every time it's the same.

I can't take it anymore.

Somebody... Please... Anybody...

Save me!

It's always the same thing. I'm usually minding my own business, not doing anything to anyone... usually... when suddenly, the world around me changes. The village that I love, that I've worked so hard to make as glorious and frikkin' awesome as I can, becomes a hellish shithole that no sane person would want to live in, and it breaks my heart to see it perverted like that! Why do they hate Konoha so much!? What has it done to them!?

I'm losing control of my body already. I'm no longer myself. Or rather, I am trapped in my own body. Man, now at least I know what the Kyuubi feels like. This totally sucks, and there's nothing I can do about it but endure.

A quick glance within my mindscape confirms that at least this time the Kyuubi isn't some sort of hot chick. Seriously, it's like a ten story tall fox! Why would I want to sleep with it!?

Oh, goody. Now I'm immortal for some reason. I don't even care anymore. I've lived through this so many times, that I can't even bring myself to give a damn. I'm just going to have to wait, trapped in my own body, until this monster gets bored and releases me so I can go back to the world I love and leave this behind like those nightmares I have, you know the kind, the ones where I eat the last cup of instant ramen in the world and every factory that makes it closes and then Ichiraku Ramen is struck by a meteor and-

Yeah, yeah, that's going nowhere, but YOU aren't the one stuck in some stupid place for, what, how long is it this time? Fifty thousand years? Sheesh, I'm pretty sure my bones would be dust by this time!

You'd think that this would be something that leaves me traumatized, but screw that noise! I'm Uzumaki Naruto, and I don't work that way, and you better believe it!

Urgh, I can't even make a cool boast, this is so boring.

Fortunately for me, the fifty thousand years pass in the blink of an eye. Unfortunately for everyone, this nightmare continues from then on.

I've been in this world so many times... Over a hundred, I think. Maybe two hundred or more. I'm not sure. But I've seen this place before, so many times, that I already feel sorry for all those poor girls.

I can see it in their eyes. With nothing else to do, I've become a pretty good observer over all this time. I can see how much it horrifies them when some sadistic deity starts toying with them for its own amusement. Bet you didn't even know I know what the word 'deity' means, did ya?.. Okay, I didn't before this mess started, but hey, I know it now, and that's got to count for something.

How old are they?

Thirteen? Fourteen?

Even if my body wasn't something like fifty thousand years old, I'm pretty sure that whatever process rendered me immortal this time, honestly, it's usually some sort of fusion with the Kyuubi, should leave me at least beyond the mental age in which being attracted to underage girls is no longer okay.

But of course, the monster that's controlling me doesn't give a damn about what I want, what I like or what I would like. It's not about me at all.

It's never been about me.

I pity these girls. Forced to endure some sort of self-entitled, self-important jackass that thinks he's way more charming than he is. I feel sorry for them when the monster controlling me reduces them to mindless puppets for his avatar, my body, to fornicate with. Just as a quick aside, fornicate is what you use when you want to say 'fuck' in a classy way, right? Sakura-chan probably likes a more... eloquent... I think it was, vocabulary.

From the few glimpses I can see of what they truly are like, they seem like fun people I'd like to get to know, really.

Damn, I really hate this.

I can see them changing by the minute. Losing their personalities, losing their individuality and independence. I've tried screaming, but I just can't make a noise. I can't have the slightest effect. I can't warn them to go away before this goes to shit.

And seriously, this is one of the more fucked up versions of this. Seriously, that blond girl looks like she's ten! And she's also a total bitch! Also, I can't even pronounce her name.

I'm a teacher, this time, too. And I'm just laughing, because I don't know anything of what this thing controlling me is saying. I disagree with him on everything, just to spite the bastard.

And why am I acting like Sasuke? Why would I want to act like him? He's a jerk!

Dammit.

Why's whoever doing this not just use their own body? I'm pretty sure I'm not seven feet tall, I don't have an eight pack... I don't wear my hair like my dad used to, and I don't have no stupid funky eye technique. Uzumaki Naruto doesn't need any of that crap! So, basically, it's not even my body, either. Just a grotesque mockery of it! (thank you, Sakura-chan! I love that insult! It makes me sound so smart and crap!)

So, if it's not my body, and not me controlling it, why the hell am I involved in this?

Seriously, it's like these people just use my name and then forget everything that makes me, well, me!

Then again, given the fact that what little I've seen of these girls, they're acting nothing like they would really act, either, so I'm wondering just what sort of sick game someone's playing.

Well, at least I can look at it on the brightside. At least this time around, they don't have cartoonishly humongous breasts. I've seen F cups on a seven year old girl, and that's what made me sympathize with Gaara on the whole insomniac thing. Crap, now I won't be able to sleep tonight.

Why can't any of those deities ever consider what any of us would actually want? Or even love us the way we are?

In my infinite wisdom brought upon by my countless millenia of existence, I have come to one simple conclusion.

They're all assholes. Now, I'm just going to close my eyes and plug my ears, so that maybe, just maybe, I can get through this without being horribly traumatized by the unsatisfying, awkward and moronic sex with girls barely past puberty that awaits me.

Dammit, I really, really hate this.

I have no mouth, and I must scream.


End file.
